Here I am World, I am facing my fears
One of my guests on the show, Tobias Lars who has become one of my greatest teachers in this life explained that the fiercest warriors and bravest in battle were the ones that wore their "weaknesses" on their helmets or armor or even tattooed on their shoulders for the world to see.
So, I figured I would give it a try, since basically everything else I have done and known doesn't work...hiding in a cave, suppressing my emotions, covering it up with something else (fill in the blank), etc.........
So here goes:
Hi, my name is Christie.
I am emotionally too sensitive
I push good people away from me because I'm afraid of being hurt by them
I give too much of my self and forget that I need to heal myself within before I can be of use to other people
I have abandonment issues
I'm afraid of writing
I'm afraid of money
I'm afraid of feeling my emotions
I judge and fall into the separation game
I'm afraid no one will ever love me
I'm afraid I will always be alone
I'm afraid I'll never be good enough
I'm afraid of my own gifts
One of my major fears for most of my life was water. I could not get in water more than knee high because I would hyperventilate. Yeah, so I almost drowned this life (and in the past), so that could be the easy thing to blame it on, but I think it goes much deeper......water represents emotions, moods, feelings...like the watery moon..........so I sit here today realizing that the fear was not of drowning. I'm not afraid of death, it was fear of feeling my emotions and getting real with myself, all the things I suppressed this whole life time (and who knows? maybe other life times too). If I avoided it, then I wouldn't have to feel....or so I thought.
In 2010 I made a goal to get over my fear of water. I found myself completely submerged in water in 2010, even swam...a few weeks ago, I walked in a lake in the dark ( https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150135482818078 ), so I think I made it over that...........however, I had no idea what else I was in store for. I figured, heck, I was in the water, I'm done, I won!!! LMAO Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.................it has been an endless flood of emotions ever since...
In fact I look at all my "weaknesses" above and find they are all emotional based fears.
So here I sit today fully naked and weak on my knees.
Will it ever stop? I've been told so, and I guess time will tell...
But I remain strong in the face of the enemy...me.
I embrace my fuckeduptedness.
Hello world, it's me, can you see?
I recognize you, do you recognize me?
I will strive to no longer look at my "weaknesses" as less than the rest of the parts that encompass my whole. How can one declare a human emotion or trait as "less than," when the whole is a perfect piece of God/Goddess/DivineSource? Are they all not necessary? Are not our so called "strengths" interchangeable with our so called "weaknesses" depending on the circumstance and/or perception related to the situation at hand? I know some of my "greatest" traits that others respect/admire are also my greatest weaknesses and inhibitors.
It is our judgements and beliefs that lead us to self hatred, therefore hatred of others and that which is around us. The whole is LOVE and we must first discover love of ourselves if we are to overcome our "weaknesses." What is perceived on the outside is a direct manifestation of what we feel about ourselves in our essence. If we don't like what we see, perhaps we must take time to check ourselves.
I will continue to strive to get past that place of judgement, not only towards others, but of myself, since we are one...you are me, I am you, we are the all that there is. I am sorry for judging you, me, we.
Not sure if this is making me stronger, but I will no longer be afraid of my real feelings, my deeper emotions, what I have allowed to hold me back in this physical manifestation of this lifetime. Let me be done with this so I can move on to experience the fullness of my worth, the magnificent beauty that all of life has to offer...from the darkest blackest of nights to the pure joy of ecstasy. I choose to leave these fears behind and move to a place of love where I can be me, all of me at every moment in this time lapse, or none of me...and accept that I am all of the above, yet none of the above because I am only love. I am eternal and divine. I am love, loving and loveable. I am thankful for my experiences and for the Universe allowing me to continue on the path that I chose....and for kicking my ass occasionally to uproot me when I stray.
As I will not tolerate outside abuse, I will no longer tolerate self abuse and hatred. I will love myself and I have only deep gratitude for that strength that has brought me here today. I will shower only love and truth, bring honor to everyone I cross paths with everywhere I go. I am grateful for this beautiful opportunity and the wealth of knowledge and gifts you have provided for me.
I look forward to the rest of the ride with an open heart and optimism as I know I am not alone, I am all-ONE.
Thank you for being me, thank you for being you.
Thank you for being perfect despite my judgements about what things "should" be due to my own lack of knowledge.
Thank you for teaching me and bringing to me a new life, without limitations, without self imposed restrictions and thank you for forgiving me for the destruction I have brought upon myself and others for not being whole.